Monday, 9 May 2016

how to get rid of guilt

Friendship, love ones, people we meet, how amazing that they are all so wonderful and touch our hearts, make us smile and help us to make long lasting memories.

 I finished this canvas on my birthday as I felt so grateful.

Each morning I wake up with a grateful heart and try to put a positive spin on my lack of sleep (dogs, chickens, neighbours, seagulls) I tell myself the day will be wonderful and I feel how great it's going to be and most of the time it is, then sometimes something crashes into your life like a giant destructive wave and shatters and tests your resolve, yesterday it was my youngest son, he is 17 and is convinced he has problems with his brain, he isolates himself and gets fearful going out, he said I was driving him away and broke down. We had hours of talking and crying trying to figure out a way forward and trying to understand each other. 

I think because the boys are quiet and keep themselves to themselves a lot of the time, I presume they are fine, as a parent, I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard you try and be a 'good' parent, or what you think you are doing is OK, it sometimes isn't, we are blinded by ourselves and versions of our lives in our heads because we are living it. 

I also find that the change in me has affected him, he said he liked the fun version of me years ago (when I drank and took drugs)  and when he was younger, I tried to explain how I have changed for the better and this new me is more conscious and aware of the actions of imbibing substances to escape the dreary existence that is life (when you are in a bad place, domestic violence, broke, single parent etc). Now I have a good life I don't feel the need to escape in that way. 

Being a teenager is really hard anyway, trying to fathom out what is going on with your body and head and having a new age mother spouting 'fairy words' as he calls it, is hard too, but I never realised this before.

 I have spoken to quite a few mums lately and we all agreed that out children have turned out opposite to us,  they all think we are a bit sad (uncool) and no matter how we try to do our best with the info we have at any given time, its not always good enough in their eyes. 

This used to make me feel bad and very guilty but now I listen, I try and process it and hopefully do a better job tomorrow because we are all just trying our best and thats all you can do. After he went back upstairs with a hug I put on some uplifting music and mopped the kitchen floor to get my mind away from dwelling on it all.

Love Dotty xx

1 comment:

Carol said...

I know just how this feels with my 16 year old daughter. I have made many mistakes and feel so guilty about it. I try to do better and still it's wrong in her eyes. I think we need to keep trying and be there for them and listen to get them through the teenage period. We ARE doing our best at one of the most difficult jobs as a mother.