It's Saturday, a day where normally I feel great at the prospect of a lovely day doing something good, my fellow is either at or watching football, my boys spend time on there xboxes and I normally watch catch up TV and sew or knit in peace. Today though, after a real crappy week with the teenager I felt fed up, I know I'm so lucky to have such a great partner and children, I love all the things I have, I love the way I can do as I please when I want, not being restricted to school times/job times etc, I am thankful, don't get me wrong, I know this but sometimes I feel fed up. I have been crying a lot lately, at songs, at memories, at anything really. I have felt pretty up and down, I am realising something that I didn't think would affect me at all, my boys are getting older and they don't need me as much anymore, I am not their whole world, the things I say are not magical and wonderful, I know all mum's must go through this but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm glad that they are beginning a new chapter in their lives and am looking forward to them achieving their hopes and dreams, but it's hard, it really is. I have borrowed books from the library on dealing/coping with teenagers and they have loads of info about what to do if your teen takes drugs/sleeps around/wears inappropriate clothing etc, none of which apply to us and our teens, none describe the transition between childhood and teen years, the struggle each day to understand each others view points, the battle in simple tasks, where once this child of yours was helpful and keen even to do things has turned into someone very different. Your boundaries change, their boundaries change, ideas that were once fun and looked forward too have become "boring" and "rubbish", I feel guilty each day, as parents guilt is a thing which crops up again and again, these things are not mentioned in any books or on forums etc, I wonder why, is it because the truth is hard to swallow?, is it because it is just me who feels this way and is secretly a nut case? I don't know, I don't have any answers - that maybe another reason it is not mentioned because there is no answer it's all about biding our time until the teenage years have passed. I find it difficult too being a home school mum and worrying about there future and what will happen with them although I'm guessing every parent whether they home school or not wonders this. So sat at the computer this morning, well it was lunch time actually after the time had vanished too quickly again, I thought about what would cheer me up and drag me out of this darkness that I wish would go away, the answer of course was baking (and eating them afterwards of course) so I made some bread which has collapsed in the middle again-why?, some mixed spice biscuits from the grannies cookery book and some carrot cakes from my own recipe, all dairy and gluten free, whist listening to Adele and singing loudly. I feel slightly happier now and am going to spend the rest of the day sewing I think.
I heard this song on the radio and fell in love, I really want this album now, have a lovely weekend whatever your up too x