It feels like somebody shit on my soul

Everything can be going fine and dandy and then it feels like somebody shits on your soul.
Through some unkind words said in person or on social media, through a text message or through a look they give.

 I have realised, when go on a life journey that is different from the norm, old friends fall away from you and this sometimes hurts, people can be cruel, people who you thought had your best interests at heart are annoyed by your success or you hit a nerve when you talk or share something that is different to the way they live, they automatically think you are having a go at them, even family members can act this way or people who you have never met but think they 'know' you from your online presence.


 When I spend my day drinking tea, walking the dogs, watching romance films and snoozing, I am not lazy, have no job or taking the piss, I am living my life in a way which brings me joy, what you don't see is that I have either been up since 5am or I have gone to bed at 2am doing my work early or very late, because I can. You don't see that when you finish your job at 5pm and go home, that I am still doing admin, still organising, still creating until late. Don't blame me because you have chosen a job which you either don't like or it takes up so much of your time, so you don't have time for anything else. Don't compare my life to the one which you think I should live or the one made up in your head about how I live.



For example home education, when I talk about home ed and how great it is for kids and how the school system is shit, I am not saying you are a bad parent for sending your kids to school, I'm not saying your children are suffering going to school each day. I am talking about the experience we have had as a family, my opinions on the school system and its short fall.

When I talk about how I use certain toothpaste or shampoo that has no toxins in it or cancer causing substances, I am not saying you are a terrible person for using colgate or head and shoulders (or whatever brand you choose, they are the first ones that spring to mind), I am sharing the way we live, I am hoping to educate in a non judgmental way, in the hope that some people will discover more about it for themselves and make an informed decision.


When I share positive messages, memes or my art, don't think I am annoying (well you can if you want but actually think about why it is annoying you and you may get some solutions) because I am always happy, you don't see me on days where I feel like shit because I feel fat or my hormones are out of whack and I spend the day crying.


Also stop thinking I have it easy, I'm lucky or my head is in the clouds because I'm either a loon, fake or rich. Actually I will let you know it's because I have had a pretty awful time when I was a younger, my dad left my mum and she struggled for years to look after me and my sister because of poverty and depression, when I finally was reunited with my dad he wasn't really all I imagined him to be because he was screwed up from his mum (my grandma) killing herself and he found her in the bath. I was a young mum pregnant at 17, I suffered domestic violence for 8 years, was a single parent to 3 boys for another 8 years, had problems with alcohol and drugs (coping mechanism to block out my shitty existence), was so poor I burned furniture in the fire because I couldn't afford coal and the stories could go on and on but I don't want to bore you, anyway thats why I am positive and happy and yes, my head is in the clouds because I choose for it to be there, because I found a different way of living, rather than just existing.


I found that if I read books, watched inspiring videos, surrounded myself with 'awakened' people, ate better and made better choices, I felt better, this had a ripple effect and now each day I choose happiness over sorrow, I choose to feel rich because I have a loving family, my creative gifts, time to do and be who I want not because of how much money I have (or haven't) in my bank.

I have been talking to quite a few friends lately about this and they are all feeling the same way, it seems when you are on the right path and you have discovered the things you love to do, your light is shining so bright, people are either inspired by you and you get lovely messages, awesome and kind words which make your day or they despise you, they feel you are rubbing their noses in it or are untrue, they make up lies to themselves about how horrid you are to blame you for making them feel bad.


What a shame that it is this way, what a shame that everyone can't see the good through clear eyes, what a shame that everyone can't have therapy to sort out their pasts, what a shame everyone can't find true happiness and feel glad everyday just to be alive.



What is really messed up is, these same people who feel judged by you and your life are the ones who do the judging, telling you what you should do.

"get a real job" -  one working for the man I guess

"wear normal clothes" - I'm not even going to comment on this

"get a mortgage/go to uni/buy a car" - all the things to keep you trapped  and in the system

"your kids will suffer from keeping them at home" - of course being safe and happy is bad

"you will learn" - learn what exactly? how to be miserable?



I feel that artists, creatives, musicians, alternative lifestyles to the norm are all deemed as unworthy and to be pitied, unless you start making it big and then it flips and you are arrogant, lucky, self centered, fake.

So to sum it all up, you can't actually 'win' either way. Friends come, friends go, family is kind, family sucks, your only purpose in this life is to be happy, to give love, to receive love and hopefully make a difference in some way by helping others and this in turn lets you help yourself.

Love Dotty xx

15 things you didn't know about me!

Ok lovely likers, I see I have been blessed with lots of new likers lately and thought it would be nice to open up a bit and give you some insider info on me and my life ;)

Feel free to ask me anything, I love a good question.

1. I have 6 chickens and 2 rescue dogs called Stanley and Badger

2. My nickname is Runty Pipkonian plus loads of other variations by Mr Delightful.

3. My favourite food is sausage (now veggie ones), mash and gravy.

4.I love the smell of nutmeg and could easily grate a whole one onto my food but then I would probably hallucinate and slip into a coma and maybe die, so I restrain myself. I could sniff out a nutmeg at 100 paces for sure.

5. I like watching romance films and am currently obsessed by a spanish subtitled series about romance, fashion and running a high end fashion shop called Velvet. I love it because my mind is constantly thinking of a million things and because of the subtitles I have to concentrate on it and nothing else (apart from eating Green & Black's chocolate)

6. I like smelling things, I think I was a dog in a past life, I love the smell of musty books, petrol, hot tar, my belly hole even though it smells of cheese, Mr Delightfuls armpits when they are musky, new carpet, dogs paws that smell of biscuits, a spot behind Stanleys ear that smells of a teddy bear I had when I was 7, it smelled a bit musty so I put strawberry shortcake talcum powder on it, behind my mums sofa and rubbed it in, then I used to sleep with it in my bed and dribble on it, behind his ear smells just like that and transports me back in time.

7. I have to wear shoes and a bra to feel motivated enough to do housework.

8. My dad left my mum when I was 7 and I met him again when I was 16, I didn't particularly like him very much at first, he was loud and brash and always after supermarket checkout girls, but he did give me an insight into where I got my sense of humour from and open my eyes to try new things, I hadn't eaten any 'foreign' food until I met him, I tried my first tikka masala, lasagne, korma and bolognaise with him.

9. Both my parents are dead, even though I sometimes miss them, I also feel free of the guilt of not visiting them often or having to be a certain way as to not upset them, I am a grown up orphan but I feel total freedom too.

10. I have been to college to do art, fashion design, textiles, criminology, psychology and aromatherapy massage.

11. I wanted to be a clown when I was a child, then as a teen, a fashion designer, then in my 20's a forensic scientist, now I am 40 I am finally an artist (something I have wanted deep down since I was 12 and drew a pair of hands holding a bamboo bag handle).

12. I was a teenage mum, in a domestic abusive relationship for 8 years and a single mum to 3 boys aged under 5 by the time I was 23. It was hard. I didn't sleep through the night for about 12 years. Sleep deprivation sucks! I had post-natal depression too.

13.I like being in forests, by rivers, planting seeds, touching mud, feeling the light rain on my face on a hot day, singing loudly, praticing keyboard, reading books, sleeping, snow, log fires, flowers, adventures, listening to the birds, looking at people and pretending they are animals and figuring out what animal they would be.

14. I would love to work in a bookshop that sold magazines so I could read them all every month (well not all of them, things that are crappy like Heat magazine, I have no time for but ones like Flow, The Simple Things, Country Living etc)

15. I can't stand things that are spelled differently just to be cool, like for example Kris' Kuts (a hairdresser) or happinezz (even though I love this magazine the name irritates me).

I think I will write more like this on my blog, I kind of like this outpouring of me and who I am, I think sometimes when you look at someones photos and read statuses on social media you only get a small part of the picture, I know I sometimes feel, other folks are doing so much better than I am, or they have travelled more, or their lives are amazing, but in reality we all have shit to deal with, we all have weird ways and a past, honesty might shatter the illusion, but I want the illusion shattered because when you can connect through your stories and feelings, that connection with others is priceless. You don't feel like such a failure or boring or a crap mum, you feel like someone else is going through the same stuff so I am not that bad or I'm doing OK. I don't want to censor anything anymore and if I lose friends or likes along the way, that's not for me to worry about, the right people will be connected to me and I can feel free.

Goodbye dear friend

 Yesterday we said goodbye to a wonderful light worker who couldn't live with how cruel and messed up our world is.

Calum was only in his 20's, but he already made an impact on all of us he met, he battled on through the despair and depravity that is Blackpool trying to spread happiness and warmth wherever he went. He is now on another plain, maybe flying high with the stars, maybe in another realm which only few know exist. What we can be certain of is he is finally free of the struggle the awakened ones deal with on a daily basis. It's made me realise though how separate we all are, how we support each other from afar, some of us try to get things going so we can feel part of something and feel at ease in like minded people's company, we need to physically connect more with each other to make sure everyone is supported and loved, to keep our spirits boosted and to out way the destruction and depravity we witness and do our best to block out.

 I know a lot of the time I choose to live in a bubble of love and I see the wonder and amazing world in which we live, sometimes I do get sad, I have experienced depression many years ago and have had family members with mental issues so I know it's pretty hard sometimes to be in a bubble alone. Lets expand our bubbles to connect with each other in the real world to save others from leaving us like Calum.

I first met Calum when he came running up to me in the street, he said "are you Dotty Delightful?" I was taken aback, it seemed a bit weird to be recognised, He said " I follow you online" then proceeded to give me a massive hug, he was a bit confused why I was in Blackpool town centre, he asked what I was doing because he thought I lived in the countryside ( I think because of my chicken photos and the garden etc) when I looked at his lovely face I didn't want to disappoint him so I lied and said yes I do live in the countryside. Since that encounter on the street we chatted loads of times and hung out and he used to come into my shop with his rucksack full of things to make people happy, once he pulled out a kazoo, he had water pistols and all sorts in there. 

If everyone got in touch with their inner child the world would be a happier place to be, if we all expressed unabashedly our feelings for each other, our planet would be more joyful, we need to live in a state of love and helping others.

Goodbye my dear friend, your memory will live on forever xx

If you are suffering from depression or need to talk to someone there is
a safe online community of people who are anxious, down or not coping who support and help each other by sharing what’s troubling them, guided by trained professionals.
Available 24/7, it is completely anonymous so you can express yourself freely and openly. Find it here: Big white wall

whats the matter grumpy?

This is what I've felt like the past few days ^

I just wanted to be warm and cosy in my burrow, its been so cold and rainy lately it has made my procratination levels soar and I have been feeling rather down about life, I think a lot of people dont admit when things get on top of them, I know I don't, I just smile and say "yeah I'm fine" when asked, but instead I would like to be honest and say "you know what, NO I'm not ok, I feel crappy, I feel like screaming rather loudly and stamping my feet like a two year old, I want to forget work, forget making dinner, forget homeschooling and hide under the duvet until the sun comes out and this dark feeling passes".

Periods, they are blamed for a lot of this hormonal disruption and yes I do know when I'm being a bitch and have a weepy day and that is def down to periods but other times, times when all around you seems happy and nice do you get this despair and nothings good feeling?

I have suffered from postnatal depression in the past and got so low at one point in my life a long time ago that I tried (and failed obviously) to kill myself, I think it was a cry for help rather than me not wanting to live, I was in a very bad relationship at the time and had no support from family. This was one of my lowest points, so I know what it is like to be depressed.

I'm not depressed now, I'm not talking about depression with the feelings I described, more of an nagging feeling of despair that passes as quickly as it comes.

I am, I think a positive person, one who tries to see the good in all we do, one who has a happy life with an adorable partner and 3 lovely (if not rather trying ) teens, I craft , I bake, I have good friends, I enjoy my life, I am thankful but still I feel like crap some days.

We are going to a discover your true potential seminar tonight so I'm hoping my black cloud will pass and tomorrow I will wake with new vigour and a real smile.

Thanks for reading my rant, its nice to have a blog to say how I really fell sometimes x